Agony

The Indian black, gilded ebony,
Does ink my moving quill,
As I leave, to enter my world,
Unspoken, is my growing agony.

Expression should be pure, and so channelized,
Expression should always come from the heart,
This, no master has taught,
But experience has been my teacher, I’ve intuitively figured out.

But who would have ever thought,
That there was anything sane about agony,
Because agony is not a stable emotion,
Agony, is feeling and unfeeling.

Agony is pain, the one that quietly derails,
Agony is a monster, and it’s impossible to get used to the pain.
But my expression, my soul, is such that it cannot deny…
Even Agony, here, finds a voice.

How can I just shut up and keep it all to myself?
How can I keep it buried, how can I not impel?
I want to scream, every single second, its lunatism,
And so, to agony, I decided to find a voice.

Here, even agony is so channelized,
Neat and ordered, I never knew it was fine,
I thought agony was coarse, and undefined,
But you know, I was just so wrong.

No, I wear my heart on my sleeve,
And I want to show exactly how much it hurts,
I don’t want to one day leave,
Leaving behind secrets, when others grieve.

Why do I openly show my agony, when nobody cares?
Why do I continue writing, when it’s all insane?
Maybe because I just want you to see,
And understand that I’m repenting.

I continue to write, as no one reads,
They gave me their advises, but I find no reprieve,
It's senseless when you are so agonized,
Everything is weird, you cannot understand.

But no, I won't shut up, I don't want to!
I won't shut up, even if they say "No one is listening to you!"
This might all be futile, but it's atlease sincere,
You might not forgive me, but I will persevere...

I want you to understand that I committed a wrong,
But I’m equally sorry, so I’m singing along,
Openly showcasing my agony,
Begging you to forgive me!

It hurts the guiltily more than the innocent,
It stabs us harder, more is the pain,
You might suffer, but I suffer tenfold,
Unforgiven, it is a hundred times more.

5:25 pm, 19th January, 2010.